November 1997
s m u g
the biswick files
by Sherman T. Biswick

*

Dear Mr. Biswick,
How do I know if I have psychic powers?
-Gretchen

Dear Gretchen,

First of all, I'd like to say Gretchen, you have a lovely name. Before I met Mrs. Biswick, I once took tea with a certain Gretchen VanDeKamp, of the VanDeKamp family, long time patrons of things beany. She was a vision in pink, as I recall, her blonde hair cascading around her shoulders in rings of golden light, which was not enough to distract me from the steady flow of methane emanating from her posterior.

However, Gretchen this story borders on the blue, unfit for mixed company, so I will now address your inquiry.

We all know that psychic powers have been decried as the work of Satan, and while I feel compelled to keep a seat open for me on the other side of the pearly gates, I will admit here in Smug, the only place I am certain God will never look, that there are ways to tell if you are indeed psychic.

First of all, guess which card I am holding right now? Did you guess no card at all? Then you are psychic! You see Gretchen, it's very difficult for me to use these newfangled typing devices and to hold some sort of playing card would be well nigh impossible, especially with the impending cold weather and my rheumatism kicking in.

Also, make sure you are not confusing fever dreams with real psychic power. When I get a high fever, I sometimes dream things I think are premonitions, like the time I dreamed that President Kennedy would be assassinated. However, after I had been awake several hours it occurred to me that it was 1974, and he had been dead for eleven years, and that it was 1963 in my dream only.

Sincerely,

Sherman T. Biswick

Dear Mr. Biswick,
What do you think of those septuplets?
- Carl

Dear Carl,

I think that they are very tiny and that there are seven of them. I also think that it was very rude of newscasters to keep interrupting the Family Channel's Hello, Larry marathon with updates on their progress that merely amounted to "there's still seven of them, and they're still tiny!" Hello Larry is a fine television program, and I enjoy it very much. The modern shows like Dahrma and Greg and Everyone Loves Ray, while amusing on some level lack the winsome folly I cherish in quality programs like Hello Larry.

Sincerely,
Sherman T. Biswick

*

Ask Mr. Biswick:

Your name:

*

biswick@smug.com

in the junk drawer:


October 1997
September 1997
August 1997
July 1997
June 1997
May 1997
April 1997
March 1997
February 1997
January 1997

featurecar
net
worth
chair
bumping
uglies
gun
smoking
jacket
barcode
ear
candy
pie
feed
hollywood
lock
target
audience
scissors
three
dollar
bill
dice
compulsionvise
posedowncheese
the
biswick
files
toothbrush
mystery
date
wheelbarrow
and such
and such
hat
blabfan
kissing
booth
martini






     
·feature· ·net worth· ·bumping uglies· ·smoking jacket· ·ear candy· ·feed hollywood· ·target audience· ·three dollar bill· ·compulsion· ·posedown· ·the biswick files· ·mystery date· ·and such and such· ·blab· ·kissing booth·


·contents· ·freakshow· ·fan club· ·junk drawer·



copyright © 1996, 1997 fearless media