People begin to panic around their birthdays, fearing that they will age the whole year in that one day they celebrate. In the same way, they also get very fidgety around this time of year, thinking they will change their lives by scrawling themselves a few commands on paper. Some will succeed certainly, in doing things like eating more vegetables or removing all traces of waxy yellow buildup. Most resolutions have the impact of spitting into the wind. yeah, join the gym (but don't actually go, that's hard) learn more about math (Planck had a constant, it was good) and spend more time with the kids. (Who has kids, anyway?)

So - we have a suggestion for you. See, we at Smug love to succeed and hate to fail, especially publicly. We actually secretly like to fail in private, because it gives us fodder for writing articles and the opportunity to spin it into clever anecdotes before someone else rats us out. In the spirit of managed success, we offer the following as a springboard to success in the New year. EZ to Keep™ New Years Resolutions that will be ahrder to break than to abide by. Make your own list, write them down and on New Year's Eve 1999 whip it out and feel mighty successful.

• This year we will not try to convince others to address as "Eduardo, darling".
• We will not intentionally contract worms, or other intestinal parasites
• We will not stalk Billy Corgan
• We will not make Joe put on that special outfit and sing "Proud Mary". (once was more than enough)
• We will not try to remake Wings of Desire using poodles instead of people.
• We will not refer to Princess Diana as "that bitch".
• We will always remember to look both ways when crossing busy streets
• We will not perpetuate the myth that Nutter Butters cure rectal cancer.
• We will not go on a killing spree and cite 'aerosol cheese' as a motive.
• We will not use the words "bright and twinkling" to descibe bodily functions.
• We will blame everything we can on Ted Kennedy
• We will not ask Jack "what's in your pocket?"
• We will not challenge Rowdy Roddy Piper to a tag team cage match
• We will not challenge the Supreme Court ruling on Penis Envy.
• We will not refer to Leslie as "that crack whore with a modem."

  staff@smug.com

  

  in the junk drawer:

  
  December 1997
  November 1997
  October 1997
  September 1997
  August 1997
  July 1997
  June 1997
  May 1997
  April 1997
  March 1997
  February 1997
  January 1997