February 1998
s m u g
and such and such
by leslie

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When I want to know what the weather is outside, I just click on over to Yahoo weather. It's fast, it's local, it's easy to understand. In a pinch, I resort to the time honored tradition of sticking my head out my window. But sometimes, I'm more concerned not about the climate, but the spiritual weather of the world. That's just not something you can tell by sticking your head out the window, unless of course, it's the big day, you know the one I'm talking about, Judgement Day and the sky is mostly cloudy with showers of blood and whatnot.

Luckily a very concerened for our safety citizen has set up the Rapture Index. One stop shopping for all your Bible Prophescy concerns and needs. The owner of the page has devised a system where he tracks current events in various categories and rates them on a scale of 1 to 5, with the cumulative total representing the likelihood of the Rapture's imminence.

The all time high was reached January 12 at 170. The all time low? Dec 12, 1993. Starting off the new year with an all time high didn't feel like a good sign, but at this writing, we're down by two points from the week previous, in part due to a drop by one point in the category "Tribulation Temple."

The explanation:
The disqualification of Melody the cow from being the red heifer has downgraded this category. Whew. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not hip to all that mumbo jumbo at all. I don't know exactly what significance the red heifer has, but I think if it's a sign of doom "The Red Heifer" might be a good name for a goth band.

Basically, here's how it breaks out: Rapture Index of 85 and Below: Slow prophetic activity
Rapture Index of 85 to 110: Moderate prophetic activity
Rapture Index of 110 to 145: Heavy prophetic activity
Rapture Index above 145: Alert zone

For those of you playing along at home, the answer to the question what monkeys are riding on the backs of the four horsemen, I offer this:

Top Ten Signs the End is Near:

  1. The Clinton Sex Scandal
  2. Iraq's confrontation with the UN
  3. Syrian/PLO war threats against Israel
  4. The Financial Crisis in Asia
  5. Severe world weather events
  6. Political unrest in Israel
  7. The EU's involvement in the Peace Process
  8. Iran's armament program
  9. Europe's economic integration
  10. The El Nino weather phenomenon

Todd (No, silly, not our Todd, the Todd who maintains the index. Our Todd is rumored to be a candidate for having his own category on the index announced soon.) Strandberg, has carefully devised 45 categories of rapture-inducing events. The total possible score is 225, so at 170, you're looking at a 75% chance of rapture. Stationed at an airforce base in Nebraska like he is, I'd be looking for a way out as well, but perhaps not as dramatic as the marriage feast of the lamb.

If you take the time to read through the whole site, he actually grows on you. He maintains a senese of humor about it and admits that he has no hobby other than the maintenance of this index. You have to admire his dedication. However, I'd like to offer a list of 10 events that might be more clear signs the end is near:

  1. Hanson
  2. David Siegal
  3. Veronica's Closet renewed for second season
  4. Real Doll
  5. Olestra
  6. Funniest thing on television: Animated fat kid saying "you bastards!"
  7. Kathie Lee Gifford
  8. David Hasselhoff famous singer in Europe
  9. Media focusing on White House sex scandal, not impending war
  10. Louis Rosetto

Those are the things that scare me, at least.

staff@smug.com

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in the junk drawer:

featurecar
net
worth
chair
bumping
uglies
gun
smoking
jacket
barcode
ear
candy
pie
feed
hollywood
lock
target
audience
scissors
three
dollar
bill
dice
compulsionvise
posedowncheese
the
biswick
files
toothbrush
mystery
date
wheelbarrow
and such
and such
hat
blabfan
kissing
booth
martini






     
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