March 1998
s m u g
bumping uglies
by Todd Levin

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Dear Mr. Levin,

Thank you very much for your most recent letter. The Editors at Ass Fancy Magazine™ (a subsidiary of Ass Fancy Ventures Worldwide) value the letters submitted by our subscribers and impulse-buy readers. The time and effort alone required to draft and post these letters -- time that might be otherwise spent leering at parochial school girls or devising elaborate masturbation machines for private use -- is worth our attention. Subsequently, we try to read each and every letter -- even the stupid and criminally deranged ones -- and respond to as many letters as time will permit. (As you are most certainly aware, we have been incredibly busy at AF magazine ever since we made the successful transition from quarterly newsletter - our printed format since 1994 - to the gilded, leatherbound publication our readers now enjoy each month)

We have enjoyed your many letters over the years. In fact, we have kept a "file" of them and often post them around the office to insure the greatest possible enjoyment by the greatest possible number of employees. Our Cabaret Editor, Jasper "the Cooz" St. John-Smythe, in particular, has enjoyed your wonderful missives and petitions to AF, and even reads many of your letters aloud in our smoking lounge, often in a voice and set of mannerisms which approximate (in a more exaggerated, theatrical manner in the style of the commedia dell'arte) those he imagines you might produce. It really is something to behold.

But I digress. As you know, as often as we can, we try to respond to your numerous solicitations for freelance writing work. Your persistence and research is a much talked-about quality here at AF. Which is why I thought it would be helpful for you if I pointed out, in an organized fashion fact-checked by our legal counsel, why you will never be a writer for Ass Fancy, Cootch Fancy, Sexual Clown Fancy, Drywall Fancy or any of the other sister publications in our massive publishing umbrella.

thanks for the snapshots
illustration by Mark Zingarelli

First, in your last letter, dated May 13, 1997, you pitched prospectus tentatively titled, "Cuddling: It's not Just for Homosexuals and Hypothermia Sufferers Anymore". To refresh your memory, I have provided a passage from your letter:

...because let's be honest: I'll bet no one enjoys a good, long cuddle more than your core reader - the middle-American, clean living sort of gentleman who occasionally likes to look at pictures of women dunking their asses in oversized novelty gravy boats. Cuddling is an age-old topic and I think it would be interesting to finally lift the veil of mystery and taboo from it forever. And, Mr. Hearst [ed. There is no one at this publication named "Hearst", nor is anyone involved in this publication associated in any way with the famous Hearst publishing family] , I am just the one to lift it. Full exposé. Pictures of famous historical figures "caught in the act". Testimonials from cuddling addicts. Interviews with Cuddling emergency hotline operators. Something very Men's Health but less "Aryan".

Todd, I am pretty sure you are familiar with the "type" of content we publish in Ass Fancy. Our readers like asses. Sometimes huge, often engaged in some sort of "mopping", "dipping" or "polishing" activity. But always asses. That's pretty much it. It's a niche publication. While your idea for a "cuddling" exposť might be compelling in another magazine - say, Cuddling Fancy, if such a publication were to exist (and I can asure you that it never would) - there really is no convenient place for this type of feature in AF, what with all of the sundry asses which we must squeeze between our covers each month. It is for this same reason that we have found it necessary in the past to reject your proposals to write articles on such subjects as "Polar Fleece: The Emperor of Technology's New Clothes" and "15 Rainbow Recipes for a Stormy Saturday" for Ass Fancy magazine.

We know you are a valued subscriber - a two-year Gold Circle Reader. And as such, you may feel as though you are entitled to certain special privileges (in addition to the standard Gold Circle Reader V.F.P. -- "Very FancyAss Person" - poker visor and desk plaque). Nonetheless we implore you, in the future, to please refrain from sending any more requests for freelance writing assignments. In addition, please refrain from your solicitations to join the AF team as a "hygiene and poise specialist". There is no such position available at Ass Fancy magazine, nor is there any desire on the part of the editors or models to institute such a position. In fact, more than several people regarded your attached detailed job descriptions as "thorough, bordering on creepy". Such material is the kind of thing that gives Ass Fancy a (mostly) undeserved bad name.

Enclosed, we are returning your latest solicitation, as well as xeroxes of all past solicitations, signed and dated by our lawyers and a notary public (Also, per your own request, we are enclosing a "bun-print" autographed 8 x 10 photograph of Ass Fancy's Miss Wet Concrete 1996. We try to please our VFP members within whatever capacity we are able). In addition, we are returning several photographs you had inexplicably enclosed with your last solicitation. I am not sure if you included them as credentials for writing, since I noticed there were no actual writing samples attached to your letter. As you may or may not know, photographs of this nature are not really requested of our writers as much as they are requested of our models. If this was not your intention, then they are a dark mystery to us and, apart from the recurring nightmares which will likely manifest themselves as the product of inadvertently viewing the aforementioned photographs, we hope these images will forever remain a mystery to us.

Happy reading,
jkk jr
John F. Kennedy, Jr. (no relation)
Managing Editor
Ass Fancy Magazine

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write todd at: letigre@smug.com

*

back to the junk drawer

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