Dear Biswick,
Who is the most important person on the planet? -- Timmy

Without a doubt it is NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon. He combines the driving skills of a young Richard Petty with the dashing good looks of a young Richard Petty. He also looks like that guy on the soap opera. His name escapes me, now, but he?s the one with the hair short on the sides and long in the back. He was married to that woman with the evil twin who got cancer and turned good. Cancer does that to people. Although I've never had the cancer - at least none to speak of - it can be a traumatic experience for family and friends. Seth down at the plant had a brain tumor and by the time they found it, it was the size of a small possum. It was pressing on a part of his brain that only let him recognize his friends named Ray. Lucky for Seth he knew several Rays.

Can you help me find my lost brother?
- Dawn

I have always had a keen sense of direction. I once found my way of the Gurnee Mills outlet mall with little more than a shoelace and a dog eared copy of The Red Badge of Courage. The most important thing to know when you are lost is where you are. Think of the world as a giant map and over your head is a big arrow pointing to you. The arrow reads "You Are Here." Here is where you are. Once you know that, you can get anywhere and find your way out of here. I often yell to stray dogs in my yard, "GET OUT OF HERE." Sometimes they do.

Are you bald?
- Kelly

Dear Kelly,
Many women love bald men or so I am old by many women. This is convenientfor the silver citizen male as several of us are losing our hair. Many women also love dungarees. I think they are comfortable. I'll tell you a group of people who give baldness a bad name, the skinheads. I've seen them on TV and they're no damn good with their Hitler and their muscle shirts. I will say this though, they sure are reviving the lost art of shining shoes.

Why does caffeine make me stay awake?
- Adam

Dear Adam,
My doctor took me off the caffeine 4 years ago because the caffeine started to make me go to sleep. I used to drink a cup of coffee and I was out like a light before Regis and Cathy Lee brought out their first guest. I'm sure it's the weirdest thing you've ever heard but it's true. Even former President Gerald Ford was afflicted with this cruel disease. Imagine if all the young people were stricken with this crippling illness. There surely would be fewer of these coffee houses and stores that sell the large trousers. Pretty soon there wouldn?t even be a single diner or auto parts store left anywhere on the planet. It would be just like that movie with Charlton Heston.

Sincerely,

Sherman T. Biswick

biswick@smug.com

in the junk drawer: