Beat The Heat

The temperature, due to El Nino (imagine we got that little tilde like object placed squarely over the N, please) Global Warming or the increased sexiness in the world due to the proliferation of Smug readers, (face it, you're hot) has been off the map, we're having what is called in the strictest meteorology terms, a "bitch of a summer". So, if you're looking for innovative low cost ways to beat the heat, we've got a few suggestions, all of which, we add, you try at your own risk.

1. Banks. Banks have the coldest air conditioning, bar none. Forget movie theaters, Buses, shopping malls, any of it, Banks take themselves so seriously, and require their employees to wear suits. This means they not only take the terms "cold hard cash literally, but to avoid litigation from disgruntled workers, and to keep the bean counters perpetually alert, they pop the A/C up to the max. It's more boring than the rerun of Shogun on Lifetime, but if you take a stack of deposit slips and write random messages on the back like "I have a gun" or "Give me all your money" then replace them for other customers to pick up, eventually you're bound to get some free thrills when they pass them onto the teller.
   
2. Ice in hotels is free. You don't really have to be a guest...
   
3. Two words: Snow Porn. Rent snow boarding videos and drink hot cocoa, you'll feel like the heat is merely the afterglow of a tough day on the mountain, and the added bonus: no broken bones!
   
4. Other People's Houses Other people have pools, and spinklers - never underestimate the value of this.
5. Postal Fun Take a ten dollar bill (or larger). Put it in an envelope. Mail it to: The Smug Staff
   707 Ninth Ave.  
   4th floor
   New York, NY 10019-7357. (you will be amazed at how cool you feel when you are done with this task!!)
   the staff

   No More Drum???

   Well, it sure looks like I decided to quit smoking at the right time!

   After getting many letters from readers about the Drum piece I wrote for Smug, I did a little research, and found out that my favorite tobacco has been discontinued in the US. Drum had long lost its Dutch-ness. The American Sara Lee Corporation has owned Douwe Egberts, the Dutch company that initially made Drum (and whose origins date back to 1753!), for quite some time, under the name Douwe Egberts Van Nelle Tobacco (DEVN Tobacco). Recently, Sara Lee Corp. has sold DEVN Tobacco to the Imperial Tobacco Group PLC, which is based in the UK. To make a long story short, according to a press release from Sara Lee Corp. "The transaction includes all brands, operations and related assets of DEVN Tobacco, except for the small United States business, which will discontinue its operations no later than July 1, 1998." I found this unsatisfactory and called the Sara Lee Media Division (office of M. Theresa Herlevsen, 312/558-8489), and their reaction was simply that "Drum is no longer available in the US, which was [Imperial Tobacco's] decision"

   I'm not in a position to make international calls, but feel free to do so yourself. Information on the merger from Imperial Tobacco can be found at: Paul Sadler, General Manager, External Affairs (44) 0117-963-6636

   So, dear Drum lovers, you better stock up, or do what I'm doing: quit.
   -- Bob van Pelt

   

   Rumor has it, Simpleton lives again.

   

   

   staff@smug.com

   

   in the junk drawer: