June 1999
s m u g
the biswick files
by Sherman T. Biswick

*

Dear Biswick,
What is the quickest path to enlightenment ?
---Todd

Dear Todd,
When I first saw this question, I thought, "well that's easy - you just head out of Louisville on route 64 East, then turn at the sign for State Road 55, going north. It'll take you right into the middle of town." But something didn't seem right - it gnawed at me all through dinner. I couldn't hardly enjoy my meatloaf at all. So I looked in my Atlas at the map of Kentucky - my glorious home state - and realized what I was about to give you was the quickest path to Eminence. And unless you were in the mood for some of the best sweet tea you ever tasted, that wouldn't do you any good at all.

Well, I happened to mention it the next night at dinner, and Elmer Flatt, that know-it-all bastard, tells me that "enlightenment" means "happiness." So of course I thought, "well, there ain't no place in Kentucky called Happiness. There is a place called Happy - but it's damn near all the way out to the Virginia state line." I remember passing through it once or twice on my way to somewhere or other. My memory's not so good these days. But one thing I do know is that if you take Route 75 south out of Lexington and drive all the way down to London, you can cut over to State Road 118 and take it to the end of the line. Then turn south on 15, and go on into Hazard. There's a filling station there on the left - I believe it's a Texaco - and Sam, the boy who runs the place, he won a third prize ribbon in the hog calling contest out to the State Fair a few years back, you just tell him that Sherm sent you, and he'll point you in the right direction to Happy. It can't be but another ten, fifteen miles up the road.

I never seem to be able to get laid. What should I do? I have tried everything, including propositioning random passers-by. Also, my little sister follows me everywhere I go. Thank-you.
- Cuddles

Dear Cuddles
I can never stress enough the importance of a good mattress. Your back is one of the most important organs you have. And don't get me started on the spine! If you can't get comfortable in a laying down type of position, you must not have a good enough mattress. I myself have a Sealy Posturepedic mattress, and for good measure I put a wooden platform between it and the box springs. Now itís the firmest bed in the complex, and I sleep like a baby. The only thing that wakes me up these days is the violent coughing fits, and that's only every few hours or so. As for your sister following you around--good for her! My own sister, god rest her soul, had a terrible sense of direction. You should thank your lucky stars that your sister doesn't get lost, as many do.

I just saw that there's a person named Swoosie Kurtz. I know what Susie's short for, but what's Swoosie short for?
---Ron

Swoosan.

Sincerely,

Sherman T. Biswick

*

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