Cocktails for a Cruel World

The line snaked out the door and around the block, the bouncer, clad entirely in impassive black, towered above everything else, guarding the entrance, and inside, through white gauzy curtains, pencil-thin waitresses moved in a complex ballet involving dim sum and cocktail shakers. This used to be a diner. But now -- the ultimate insult -- it has been transformed into a martini bar. Oh the humanity.

If only this was an isolated incident -- but no, they're unavoidable now, these watering holes that serve an overabundance of glitz and glam with your gimlet. Rather than fight back, I've dusted off some classic cocktails, making adjustments and allowances for the modern age. The next time you're resigned to a gin and tonic, you might consider ordering:

The Madeline Albright: equal parts light rum, Cointreau, gin, and fresh-squeezed lemon juice shaken with cracked ice. Feminine yet strong like the fearless United Nations ambassador, this drink goes down easy with a sour bite to remind you just who you're dealing with. Serve in a chilled highball glass.

Field of Blackbirds: 3 ounces gin, 1 ounce thick cream, 1 egg white, 1 1/2 ounces lime juice, 3 tablespoons raspberry syrup, Soda water. Serbian Prince Lazar was killed as battle raged on over this plain -- the Field of Blackbirds -- just outside Pristina even in 1389, but you don't need to be a martyr like he was to enjoy this subtle cocktail. Shake ingredients with cracked ice and strain into a chilled wine glass. Top with soda water.

The White Albanian: One bottle Virgil's Microbrew Root Beer, Häagen-Dazs vanilla ice cream to taste, 3 ounces vodka, 1 1/2 ounces Kahlua. Like the many historical details complicating Balkan tensions today, details in preparation of this drink are key: substitutions, adjustments and alterations will only heighten confusion and delay peace -- peace of mind that is, as this new twist on the classic root beer float has an incredibly calming effect. Perfect for those hot lonely summer nights!

The NATO Bomber: 2 ounces brandy, 1 ounce Campari, 1 ounce fresh lemon juice. Shake and strain Campari, lemon juice and cracked ice into a chilled cocktail glass. Heat brandy thoroughly in a chafing dish and, when warm, ignite it and pour in a flaming stream into the cocktail glass. You'll always be on target with this simple yet striking beverage, with no fear of collateral damage -- the flaming brandy will soon extinguish itself upon contact with the chilled ingredients. If your operation calls for stealth, simply add the brandy to the shaker along with the other chilled ingredients and leave out the flame.

gregory@smug.com