March 2000
s m u g
the biswick files
by Sherman T. Biswick

*

Editor's Note:

The sad truth is that sometimes Mr Biswick can be grumpy and ill tempered, and his answers to your carefully thought out questions can reflect that fact. Usually a can of Old Milwaukee and a few strips of jerky will take care of his bad mood. This month, however, no amount of cajoling could bring Mr Biswick out of his funk. He kept mumbling something about Santana tying Michael Jackson's record.

Herewith, Mr Biswick's all-too-brief replies:

Dear Mr Biswick,
Why won't you return my calls?

From: Steve

Young man, I don't have time for this kind of shenanigans.

***

Dear Mr Biswick,
What's a good way to tell your girlfriend you have a social disease?

From: Ben S.

I don't have a social disease. Unless you count sciatica. And I don't have a girlfriend. I'm a widower. Thank you for bringing that up. You little bastard.

***

Dear Mr Biswick,
My girlfriend is Puerto Rican. She's great, but what's up with the beans and rice obsession?

From: Pete

Beans and rice: that's nice.

***

Dear Mr Biswick,
What do you think a Muse is?

From: Elizabeth

That's when something is fun. The kids nowadays enjoy visiting a place called the "amusement park" because it is nothing but fun. Except I can't stand the place. One time I got real sick on the Whizzy McTwister ride and threw up my chili dog. And it was the first time in months that Edna hadn't nagged me about eating one.

***

Dear Mr Biswick,
How do I get my mitts on tickets to the millennium?

From: Mike

Down at the library I saw a sign on the bulletin board that some young man has "two spair tix for" something or other. I don't know what "Phish" is, but it's probably close enough. You kids with your alligators on your T-shirts and the MTV. I don't see what all the fuss is about.

Now get a haircut.

Sherman T Biswick,
Veteran.

*

Ask Mr. Biswick:

Your name:

*

biswick@smug.com

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