May 1997
s m u g
ear candy
by Leslie Harpold

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The Soundtrack Remains the Same

I am about to make a shocking announcement. I have never seen a porno flick. Nope. Oh yeah, I've seen Emmanuel on Taboo Island and Wild Orchid and I can honestly say my life is no better for it. I've seen a bunch of those Cinemax After Darks and essentially they are all the same. So - to return to my original point, I've never seen a genuine XXX or XX or even X film. I've been exposed to various and sundry printed materials featuring frozen moments of nudity and debauchery from the mild mannered pages of Playboy to the sometimes shocking imagery of Taste of Latex magazine (subtitled "the magazine for the sexually disenfranchised"). Printed material has no soundtrack, however so obviously that's not what I'm here to talk about.

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Whenever someone makes reference to a porn soundtrack, it's always the same. You get the "bowmp chick a bowmp bowmp oo-wa oo-wa a wawa," followed by the occasional "wocka wocka wocka wocka" - apparently, this is the universal musical call for full frontal booty and Nudity! Nudity! Nudity! Well, I will go as far as admitting that I have had sex, and if I were to set any of my personal experiences to music, I assure you none of them, from the most sublime to the most ridiculous would sound anything like that.

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From what I'm told - all porn soundtracks sound the same. I know a lot about porn flicks because I've been taking the porn poll for several years. I've actually conscientiously avoided them (using the clever excuse that a girl has to save something for marriage), but I have been curious, and whenever it's been socially appropriate, I've asked people to tell me about their porn experiences. The answers have been pretty consistent, all the plotlines are essentially alike, most of the women have implants, high heels, and exceptional manicures, and most of the men are too furry. The one thing that gets noted, though, is always the music. I have yet to have as many people mention the movie soundtrack for a traditional film as they have when they describe porn, and the words are almost always the same "cheesy, synthesizer music" and "bad, really, it's godawful" are the words I hear most frequently.

Part of the reason for this, I assume, is cost. Fuck flicks are designed to be penny-in dollar-out operations, and a good soundtrack costs money. Not to mention the perceived danger of an artist's association with a porn film. I don't think Michael Bolton and Celine Dion, who trade off of things like their squeaky clean personas, would benefit from being associated with the likes of Anal Sluts on Bikes. However, in the sheer spirit of being "edgy and dangerous" you'd think that some rockers, especially metal acts and poser punk bands, would gladly donate their tunes to the soundtracks. Hell, I bet some record company weasel could strike a sweet deal, and with the right promotion, Marilyn Manson could make another cool million off that alone, more if they pulled a cameo off in the film as the neighbors looking through the window or something to that end. Sure, they'd be scary neighbors, but it seems like that would add to the whole dirty feeling the movies are trying to create.

*>

<P>It could catch on like wildfire, reviving the careers of Heavy Metal acts
who's stars have faded, like <B>Twisted Sister</B>,  <B>Quiet Riot</B> and <B>Def Leppard</B>.
Soon, it could become downright fashionable.  It would surely revive the
neighborhood video store, since no amount of fame or profit would get
WalMart or Blockbuster to carry XXX tittles.  Rock stars would have a
little more of a nest egg and soon, the wocka wocka bowmp noise would fade
from memory.  A good enough soundtrack may even convince me to watch one
before I get hitched, but then, the only thing I will have saved for
marriage is my great grandmother's china.

<P><IMG SRC=


leslie@smug.com

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back to the junk drawer

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worth
chair
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uglies
gun
smoking
jacket
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ear
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pie
feed
hollywood
lock
target
audience
scissors
three
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bill
dice
compulsionvise
posedowncheese
the
biswick
files
toothbrush
mystery
date
wheelbarrow
and such
and such
hat
blabfan
kissing
booth
martini






     
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