May 1997 ear candy by Leslie Harpold |
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The Soundtrack Remains the Same
I am about to make a shocking announcement. I have never seen a
porno flick. Nope. Oh yeah, I've seen Emmanuel on Taboo Island
and Wild Orchid and I can honestly say my life is no better for
it. I've seen a bunch of those Cinemax After Darks and
essentially they are all the same. So - to return to my original
point, I've never seen a genuine XXX or XX or even X film. I've been
exposed to various and sundry printed materials featuring frozen
moments of nudity and debauchery from the mild mannered pages of
Playboy to the sometimes shocking imagery of Taste of
Latex magazine (subtitled "the magazine for the sexually
disenfranchised"). Printed material has no soundtrack, however so
obviously that's not what I'm here to talk about.
Whenever someone makes reference to a porn soundtrack, it's always the
same. You get the "bowmp chick a bowmp bowmp oo-wa oo-wa a wawa," followed
by the occasional "wocka wocka wocka wocka" - apparently, this is the
universal musical call for full frontal booty and Nudity! Nudity! Nudity!
Well, I will go as far as admitting that I have had sex, and if I were to
set any of my personal experiences to music, I assure you none of them,
from the most sublime to the most ridiculous would sound anything like that.
From what I'm told - all porn soundtracks sound the same. I know a lot
about porn flicks because I've been taking the porn poll for several years.
I've actually conscientiously avoided them (using the clever excuse that
a girl has to save something for marriage), but I have been curious,
and whenever it's been socially appropriate, I've asked people to tell me
about their porn experiences. The answers have been pretty consistent, all
the plotlines are essentially alike, most of the women have implants, high
heels, and exceptional manicures, and most of the men are too furry. The
one thing that gets noted, though, is always the music. I have yet to have
as many people mention the movie soundtrack for a traditional film as they
have when they describe porn, and the words are almost always the same
"cheesy, synthesizer music" and "bad, really, it's godawful" are the words
I hear most frequently.
Part of the reason for this, I assume, is cost. Fuck flicks are designed
to be penny-in dollar-out operations, and a good soundtrack costs money.
Not to mention the perceived danger of an artist's association with a porn
film. I don't think Michael Bolton and Celine Dion, who trade off of
things like their squeaky clean personas, would benefit from being
associated with the likes of Anal Sluts on Bikes. However, in the
sheer spirit of being "edgy and dangerous" you'd think that some rockers,
especially metal acts and poser punk bands, would gladly donate their tunes
to the soundtracks. Hell, I bet some record company weasel could strike a
sweet deal, and with the right promotion, Marilyn Manson could make another
cool million off that alone, more if they pulled a cameo off in the film as
the neighbors looking through the window or something to that end. Sure,
they'd be scary neighbors, but it seems like that would add to the whole
dirty feeling the movies are trying to create.
back to the junk drawer
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