AND HERE'S THE PITCH...

I've got a few friends now who have made the big move to Los Angeles so they can be world famous, stinking rich screenwriters. I don't think I've got the heart to tell them that there's no way they're going to be world famous, stinking rich screenwriters because they're all quite talented and have gone out there with bold, innovative scripts filled with new concepts and new ideas. That's about the last thing Hollywood wants.

It's a bitter bitter day when an artist realizes that eventually, you must use your talents to create what sells. So I can only imagine the added humiliation of A: having to toss aside your great American script because there weren't enough babes or explosions in it, then B: having to stand in front of those same executives and pitch them an idea you're embarrassed to have come up with.

But my friends are learning to go with what works. If you want to be a working screenwriter in La La Land, you'd do better to study carnival sideshow barkers for tips than the masters of the craft. You have to stand up there and put on a show for these guys, filled with things they've all heard before... but make it fresh! So just as a guide, I took the top box office grossers of this week, and came up with a pitch for a new movie I want (well, that I am willing) to write.

"Okay, you guys are gonna love this! Kurt Russell and his wife are on this vacation, and they're driving along when WHAM... a T-Rex sideswipes their jeep, picks up his wife and carries her off! By the way, she's in a tight white T-shirt and sweating. Now... get this... he hides out in an apartment with Meg Ryan while he's looking for his wife, and they fall in love and like... do it and stuff. Well just as they're finishing up, and by the way... Meg Ryan's wearing a bra, right... just as they're finishing up, in walks Robin Williams! He's her father!!! Do you follow me? Well he asks Kurt what's going on and to his shock and horror, he can't tell a lie no matter how hard he tries! He has to say that he's a married man and 'Mr. Happy' went to visit his daughter's candy store!

Well as he's telling her this, a bulletin comes on the news that lava has started seeping up through the earth, and they all need to evacuate right away. So they get in this other jeep and drive and it's raining and Meg Ryan is in a white T-shirt. And as they're running they come across the T-Rex with Kurt's wife in his mouth. The dinosaur is also guarding an egg and as they're looking at the egg, a groovy secret agent from the 70's pops out! He's been preserved all these years, okay? And he yells, 'Who wants to help me lick the lizard, yeaaaah baby!' And that's when Bruce Willis flies in with his laser-equipped taxi, zaps the dinosaur who falls and plugs up the lava flow. And Meg Ryan is in the rain wearing white. Did I mention that?"

Sold.

mike@smug.com

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