I'm So Neurosis-Free

As someone more famous than I said, "The war between the sexes will never be won, as there is too much fraternization with the enemy," to which I'd like to add "and there are too many non-issues included too, like the toilet seat thing."

This is not for the faint of heart, those prissy enough to insist that the lid be left down at all times, decorated with images which attempt to fool the unsophisticated into believing that the commode is in fact entirely unrelated to bodily functions, horrified at the sight of the water that reminds us that in fact we all do produce waste. Read on if you're comfortable with the concept of the function of the toilet.

Let's make like preschoolers and talk bathroom talk. What's the deal with the toilet seat? I grew up in a house with four males, and I don't recall ever being berated: "CharLENE! WHY do you have to put the seat down, every time I make a night visit I pee on the seat. Leave it UP for chrissake!!" which I think would have been perfectly within their rights, as majority bathroom users. Of course, the fact that I come from a family of people with particularly competent bladders may have something to do with this never happening, but my point is still valid.

It never bothered me to put the seat down, and after one cold, damp experience as a young child, I learned to check first. Not that I wasn't charmed by a recent male visitor who put the seat down after availing himself of my facilities, but it's not something I'd feel comfortable demanding or even silently expecting, such as someone else (besides me) doing the laundry or making dinner.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for consideration and thoughtfulness, one of the reasons I got divorced. Let's digress for a moment: I believe that the people to whom you should show the most respect and consideration are those with whom you are living, those for whom you profess to care. My ex's position was that if you couldn't let your hair down at home (this meant saying whatever the hell you wanted to, doing whatever the hell you wanted to, screw anyone else's feelings), then life wasn't worth living. I've since come to the conclusion that both are somewhat extreme positions, his obviously more so than mine.

You may think that this was a digression, especially as I prefaced it with "Let's digress for a moment," but actually it's quite germane to the discussion. The toilet seat issue is really one of respect, pertaining to shared living quarters and consideration for the other people therein.

Where do other women (that's women other than me) get off telling malekind that it's their duty and obligation as men of the nineties to leave the seat down? Why is it that men are being wusses and taking this as the gospel truth? Is it just because women are right about so many things that men just blindly assume that we have the Universal Scoop on this issue too? I'll bet that even the guys interviewed in the latest "Complete Woman" ("I want a woman with large breasts, small waist, long legs, kinda shy who doesn't have an opinion that she hasn't passed by me first") are probably continually buying chocolates to atone for The Sin Of The Toilet Seat.

What IS this trash? Who CARES about the stupid seat after all? There really are plenty of more important issues over which we could have truly satisfactory fights, such as the matter of Who Gets To Have The Opinions (left as an exercise to the reader), or Why Your Infidelity Is Just As Dreadful A Thing As Mine Was.

Let's work on shifting the battlezone a little, like to Who Gets The Remote, or Why Lingerie On My Birthday Is Really A Present For You, or something really important, like Who Is Always Right, to which women do in fact have the One True Answer.

Charlene Abrams, c/o staff@smug.com

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