September 1997 posedown by Joe Procopio |
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It's the Real World After All
"Remember the Magic"
That's the adopted slogan/buzzword/mantra for Walt Disney World's 25th
Anniversary Celebration. And what does it mean? It could be a tribute to
the uncanny spirit and imagination that turned 27,000 acres of swampland
that lay smack in the middle of the most unbearably hot and sticky place
in the country into the shining mecca that Walt and Roy built. Sure,
that makes sense.
It could also be one helluva slick marketing ploy.
See, MickeyWorld is for kids. Every last detail in the compound is
directed at knee level. Drawback: A very small percentage of kids these
days have money, especially the kind of Disney Dollars needed to
generate the capital needed to buy, say, ABC. Therefore, the suits at
Disney Limited are in constant need of a way to evoke the inner child in
Mommy and Daddy and loosen those purse strings.
Thus, Mommy and Daddy are called upon to Remember the Magic. To return
to a childhood, long ago, when they were free and innocent and their one
goal in life consisted of getting dinner down in time for Disney's
Wonderful World of Color.
Child: I'd give anything to have breakfast with Mickey.
Parent: I'll pay no more than $249 for the room and $43 per ticket plus
transportation, meals, and incidentals to have breakfast with Mickey.
Allow me to disclaim. I'm all for the Disney thing. In fact, I would go
so far as to say that Disney is the one behemoth corporation that does
things, on average, very well. I think imagineering is the way of the
future. I'm quite in support of daydreaming and small worlds and toy
stories and magic slippers and sleeping beauties.
I don't care if Ellen is a lesbian.
Although I do wish everyone would shut up about it.
So there, I bought it. I'm not immune. I booked 4 glorious fun-filled
days and 3 nights for my girlfriend, Allison, and me.
Of the three parks that make up the megalopolis, we decided to hit Epcot
first. That's the one with "Spaceship Earth" out front (sponsored by
AT&T). Epcot's central reason for being revolves around two ideas;
"Future World", representing technology, and the "World Showcase",
dedicated to "international amity". And for the first time, I noticed
that these ideas are starting to wear a little thin.
There wasn't much on the techie side that, well, particularly impressed
me. Sure, there was some neat VR stuff (sponsored by Motorola), but no
more or less thrilling than playing Quake over the internet with someone
from Brazil, which is no longer a difficult task. It seems that times
have progressed far enough to where the resources of the corporation no
longer outweigh the resources of the individual. And one can probably
blame/thank Bill Gates for that.
Most of the other technology complexes were just plain lame. "The Land"
(sponsored by Nestle) remained virtually empty throughout the day. "The
Test Track" (sponsored by General Motors), a 60mph race car ride and
quite possibly the best chance for fun, was hampered with all manner of
glitches and closed. "The Living Seas" (sponsored by United
Technologies) began with one long UT commercial, and then took us below
a man-made coral reef to a mammoth aquarium filled with some manatees
and tropical fish. It also had some good seafood at an "undersea"
restaurant with a view of said aquarium. But my dinner kept getting
interrupted by guilt-provoking looks from the aquarium fish as they swam
by.
I'm not sure, but I would swear one of them mouthed "bastard".
The World Culture area ignored a lot, for one thing all of the toilets
and phones worked and the all of the food was really good. One activity
we indulged in was to go to "France" and pretend to be rude to
everybody.
That was fun.
All in all, the day (sponsored by me, when you get right down to it),
was all right. Better, by a bit, than real life.
MGM Studios is my favorite of the three parks and this is where we spent
our second day. MGM is what Disney does best because there's none of
that clumsy attempt at fooling you into thinking that this is real, that
part of this fantasy exists in everyone. No, MGM is the movies, baby,
the pictures. And thus, you are allowed to take it for what it is.
MGM held the most highlights. The "Twilight Zone Tower of Terror" is a
thirteen-story drop in an elevator and is top notch, both physically and
psychologically. For nostalgic reasons, you can't beat the "Star Wars"
ride. And the Muppets' 3-D show is at least well-written and plays with
your senses a little.
Perhaps the neatest attraction was dinner at the "Sci-fi Dine-in Theater
Restaurant". Here, hostesses on roller-skates seat you at little fake
cars where you're served excellent food in front of a huge replica
drive-in screen that shows old '50s sci-fi B-movie trailers and shorts.
The only low-points at MGM were the heavy-handed attempts to work the
Cap Cities/ABC merger into the fun. The old "Sound Studio" show used to
be a cute little clip with Chevy Chase and Martin Short, and it
showcased Disney's knack for playing to children without pandering. It
has since been replaced with a banal ABC Saturday Morning promotion
piece.
It was stupid.
Not quite as stupid, however, as "Ellen's Buy the Book" store, which, of
course, sold T-Shirts and mugs. Am I the only person left who thinks
that Ellen DeGeneres, no matter what her sexual preference, has the
charisma of tupperware? She wasn't funny before her show, she wasn't
funny before she was out and now that she is out, I'm sorry, she still
isn't funny.
However, and you didn't hear this from me, I think there was a small
gaggle of paranoid Southern Baptists eyeing the Ellen character mug
collection. They paid for it very quietly and stuffed it into a "Bargain
World" bag.
The Magic Kingdom, the primary and most heralded of the Disney parks,
was where I learned the true meaning of the phrase "Remember the Magic".
And it wasn't too far off from my initial guess. Remember the Magic =
Reclaim the Innocence = Return to Childhood = Release the Inner Child.
There were unruly, obnoxious, misbehaved, spoiled, silly, ugly
inner-children running all over the place. All of them with children of
their own.
Man, I can only begin to describe to you the atrocities, the complete
lack of human decency exhibited by adults at the Magic Kingdom. I found
myself, within the span of a few short hours, completely disgusted by
grown men and women cutting us off in line, being thoroughly inbred and
rude to the overtly nice Disney-folk or, my all time favorite,
able-bodied men sitting on the monorails, trams, or buses while women
and children stood.
By the way, if you were, are, or are planning on taking a seat while a
women or a child stands, you should be ashamed of yourself. You big
wussy. It was Allison that kept me from making any speeches or
bitch-slapping any of these guys, so I have to vent now in order to not
explode.
That being said, I remembered and prepared a little list of my favorite
incidents.
Man with kids to Disney Ride Person: "No, we sat in the back last time,
we're sitting in front this time."
Woman to me and Allison at small shady lunch table: "Are you finished
eating yet?"
Allison: "Not quite yet."
Woman (exasperated): "Unh. Well, could you hurry up then?"
Man to wife on monorail: "No honey, let the other people stand, they're
no different than us."
And then, of course, the most popular phrases of the day:
"I was here first."
(Note: It's utterly shocking to me how many times parents employ their
kids to do the dirty work.)
We ended up leaving Magic Kingdom after a few scant hours. And it
occurred to me that we were, in effect, boycotting Magic Kingdom. Not
because of the actions of those who stand for an "alternative"
lifestyle, but because of the actions of those who are apparently just
chock full of "family values".
During our last day, we were allowed to go anywhere we wanted, thanks to
the Disney multi-park pass we purchased beforehand. So we went to the
pool at our hotel and got drunk. Then we went shopping for souvenirs and
the like. Then we went out for a nice dinner at a good restaurant.
Even without using the tickets, I feel as if we somehow managed to save
money on that last day.
So, my advice for the Disney vacation? Bring sunscreen, bring your inner
child, bring your Visa card, and bring a hefty amount of tolerance and
understanding. Because at the number one vacation destination in the
United States, they don't take no for an answer. But they do take
American Express.
back to the junk drawer
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