April 2000
s m u g
the biswick files
by Sherman T. Biswick

*

Dear Mr Biswick,
Where do babies come from?

From: Robley

Robley, no one likes a smart-ass. Well, almost nobody. A buddy of mine in the service, Frank Pulaski, was a smart-ass and to be honest, he was pretty much everybodyís favorite guy in the platoon. Why, I remember one time, we were on leave, and the two of us took a couple of young ladies to the county fair. I took Dee Dee Granrath, who was at least seven feet tall if she was an inch. A tall drink of water, any way you look at it. Frank took Lois Untermeyer. Lois had a crush on Frank the size of Texas, and she would write him letters every week while we were in boot camp. We would all gather around on mail day and Frank would read the letters out loud, using this real high girlís voice he would do, sometimes with a French accent, although to tell you the truth it sounded more like a French Canadian accent, if you know what I mean. Anyway, those were good times. Weíd all laugh and laugh at the things Lois wrote in these letters.

So one weekend when we got an R & R leave, I said to Frank, hey, why donít we call on Dee Dee and Lois, and take Ďem to the carnival? At that time, Dee Dee and Lois shared a little apartment out on Fern Valley Road. That was a nice little place. The building got torn down years ago. I think they put up a Hardeeís there, which isnít so bad I guess. They got that Frisco Burger thatís real good. I donít eat the hamburgers as much as I used to, on account of my sciatica.

Anyway, we called on the ladies, and they was all excited and hopped up. Just rariní to go on out to the fairway. So we was up on the Ferris wheel, me and Dee Dee in one car, and behind us was Frank and Lois in the other. And I hear Frank whistliní to me. We had this particular whistle we used with each other, it went three high notes, followed by a long, low note that kind of warbled in the middle. It was real distinctive. You could hear it a mile away, on account of it had such an unusual pattern to it, you would never think it was just a bird. So Frankís whistliní at me, and I turn around and look back up at him, wonderiní what exactly is so all fired important that heís gotta get my attention right now, right this instant, while weíre sittiní at the top of the Ferris wheel, waitiní for it to start turniní again and just lookiní out over what mustíve been all of Kentucky.

And he finally sees me lookiní at him, and he signals me, watch this. And he turns to Lois, and Iím sorry if this is a little bit gross, but itís exactly the way it happened, I swear to God In Heaven, he turns to her and she looks up at him, her eyes get all fluttery, and he sticks two fingers down his throat and throws up on her. Corn dogs, soda pop, cotton candy, all of it comes gushing out of his throat in a great streaming river and cascades all down the front of her dress and into her lap. And weíre just sitting there at the top of the Ferris wheel, listening to her screaming at the top of her lungs. And Frank just laughing and laughing.

Well, now you can imagine that the rest of the date didnít go all that well for me or Frank, even though I did my best not to laugh out loud. I may have snickered a little. Hell, I was just a kid; I didnít know any better. But Dee Dee Granrath, she decided right then and there that I was a no good bastard, and she never wanted to see me again. And I tried to tell her that it was nothing to do with me, I was just a barracks mate of the guy, and of course it was a horrible, horrible thing he did, but she mustíve known how weíd all been laughing about it in our bunks for days afterwards. Luckily for me I soon met my beautiful Edna when her dance troupe came through to entertain the troops before we headed off to The Big One. But thatís not what you asked about, and I guess I donít want to get away from the subject at hand.

The obvious point is, Robley, that mostly no one likes a smart-ass, and Iím sure that if youíre old enough to type on the computer, youíre old enough to know how babies are delivered. By storks. Rocket powered storks with big silver shoes. Although I personally donít think this is the most sanitary method of baby delivery. The storkís diet consists of big insects, small reptiles, mollusks, frogs, and small rodents. What if a stork got confused and ate a baby? It could happen. Babies frequently resemble small rodents. I say: donít let a stork bring your baby. Not unless heís certified by an agency. They have agencies for this sort of thing. Yessirree. They most certainly do.

Sherman T Biswick,
Veteran.

*

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